Choosing Figs | Neurotic as Hell | A Travel, Lifestyle, and Life List Blog

One of those nights where…

One of those nights where she has to pretend that she’s sleeping under a blanket so no one can see that she’s crying. Where she then sits outside in a cold car for ten minutes because she can’t see and can’t breath and doesn’t want to be anywhere else. And she calls you, ten minutes later while she’s banging her head against the steering wheel but can’t talk because she wants to say so many things she can’t. And she calls someone else because it’s easier being treated like crap when you can blame it on alcohol. And at least he doesn’t answer but she hears his voice for the first time in seven months and it makes her feel worse. When she does finally leave she has to pull over several times on the drive because everything is a kaleidoscope through her tears. Driving is bad anyways because every time she is in the car she either wants to crash it or drive away and never turn back. And she feels so damned fucked-up worthless. And all she wants to do is go to sleep and never wake up.

And she hates every time you point out a girl you used to date or that you used to like because all you think is why am I not good enough. And she hates when you say that you’d never have a serious conversation online and if you had something to talk about you’d do it in person or call because you did all of your talking there and you broke up with her there and you never called her to talk. And she hates you for telling her that you liked her and wanted to date her and then later saying you never meant it. And she hates that you only want to see her when you’re sleeping with her and if you’re not she doesn’t matter anymore. She hates that you never even talk to her anymore or ask if she’s OK and you don’t realize what it is that really hurts her. And she hates that you seem to want to spend all your time with someone else. And she hates herself for getting into it all and for not realizing that you never cared. And she hates herself so damned much. And all she wants to do is go to sleep and never wake up.

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Hi, I'm Val. I spent most of my 20s in a standstill, unable to pick which path in life I wanted to take. I wanted the nomadic life of a traveler but also wanted the husband, the condo, and the kitten. Unable to decide which life I wanted more, I did nothing. When I turned 30 I’d had enough of putting my life on hold and decided to start “choosing my figs.” So, I quit my job, bought a one-way ticket to Europe, and traveled for three years. Now I'm back in Chicago, decorating my apartment in all the teal, petting my cats, and planning my next adventure.