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I hate having this thing and feeling like I can never really write the truth about everything. I had a crappy day. I know it was nothing big but it still made me feel bad. I know I take things way too hard and can't get over it. But whatever. Feel free to IM me or email me or call me to ask what happened. It's a stupid story. And you'll probably think I'm stupid for letting it get to me. But whatever. ...

One of those nights where she has to pretend that she's sleeping under a blanket so no one can see that she's crying. Where she then sits outside in a cold car for ten minutes because she can't see and can't breath and doesn't want to be anywhere else. And she calls you, ten minutes later while she's banging her head against the steering wheel but can't talk because she wants to say so many things she can't. And she calls someone else because it's easier being treated like crap when you can blame it on alcohol. And at least...

"Do you need me to prove something to you?" he asked. I was still crying, wetting his pillowcase with my tears. Whether it was from real sadness or trying to evoke pity and attention or from knowing my weaknesses, I'm not sure. Some combination of all three no doubt. I squirmed around in his bed to look back at him, leaning against the doorway molding. "Yes," I screamed, but not out loud, in my head. Yes. Yes, I wanted for him to prove something to me. Yes, that was all I had ever wanted. Yes. I wanted him to prove that...

It all started a year ago today. I can't believe it was that long ago. I still can't decide if it was the best decision or the worst decision I ever made. ...

I'm done. It's officially been two months since I last called. It's officially been sixty calls on my recently dialed list and you are no longer there. I went out with Nad tonight to celebrate :) I am smart enough to know that you only told me that you loved me so you could sleep with me. I guess I wasn't smart enough to know that once you slept with me you would no longer want anything to do with me. The end. I'm done. ...

I wanted to come home and write that he saw me. That he hugged me. That he told me his reasons for not calling and not telling me that he was in Chicago and that they made sense. I didn't want to write that he came out and stood behind me talking to some other group of people and didn't even acknowledge that I was there. I just left then. Nadia and I went to see Mat's play tonight. Imminent Dangers of Love and the Afterlife. It was pretty interesting and pretty funny, about a guy who accidentally kills himself to...

Mat hasn't talked to me since December, when he dropped me off at LAX and said goodbye. I've called. I've emailed. I've heard nothing back. At first it really made me angry, upset. And then I managed to get myself to a point where I was happier than I'd been in a long, long time and I was going by weeks without even thinking about him. Until, of course, that time ended. Last year on May 24, which happened to be his birthday, which happened to be the five year anniversary of our breakup, he showed up out of...

1. I think I might not take summer school. I was going to do it so I could graduate in November, but now it looks like there is only 1 class offered in the fall that I would take so I wouldn't graduate until March anyways. This will free up two nights a week and give a little extra travel/novel writing/wedding planning, and give me $1700 extra. 2. No, I really don't want to hang out with you and the girl you may be dating, especially since you never want to see me any other time anymore and...