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Neurotic As Hell

Choosing Figs Blog

The first time I made pudding shots it was for my thirtieth birthday party (a party I dubbed "fit for an alcoholic six-year-old"). This was, mind you, in a time before Pinterest made pudding shots popular and all I had to go on was a hatred of jello, a crazy idea, and a prayer that mixing instant pudding with milk and alcohol would result in something somewhat edible. But they turned out more than edible, they were delicious, actually, and so I made them, from then on, every time I threw a birthday party. Last year I turned thirty-six and celebrated...

I knew I was fat when people stopped saying, "you're not fat," when I said I was fat. Maybe you know how it is. You know you've gained weight. Maybe you're ten pounds over what you wish you were. And you look in the mirror and think, "I'm so fat," even though, to everyone else, you look just the same as always. And so, when you say, "I'm fat," they all reply, "What are you talking about? You're not fat." But then you gain ten more pounds. And ten more. And ten more. And more. And then, somewhere along the way,...

This was the year that I quit. I quit everything. I quit guitar lessons. I quit salsa dancing. I quit my softball team. I quit relationships. I quit blogging. I guess that quit might be too a strong word. Stopped might be better. I stopped going. I stopped caring. I stopped showing up. I didn't purposely leave any of those things. I didn't yell, "I QUIT!" and storm off in a huff. There were no calculated decisions. No pros and cons lists. I just didn't have the energy to keep going. With anything. And so, I stopped. I spent most of the...

Whenever something is wrong with me, when I'm in pain or not feeling well for one reason or another, I do the best thing I can think to do for a remedy: I turn to Google. You do it too, I'm sure. Or at least you have at some point in your life. Type your symptoms into a search engine and BAM, instant diagnosis. Of course, nine out of ten times Google tells me that whatever is wrong with me is cancer. Headache? Cancer. Skin rash? Cancer. Fever? Fucking cancer. It's probably not cancer. It's probably just a cold. Or a stressful day...

What drinks do you think of when you think of the holidays? A warm mug of hot chocolate? A glass of mulled wine? A cup of hot buttered rum? A margarita? (I mean, to each their own, I guess.) Do you think of eggnog? Do you even like eggnog? I feel like it's one of those drinks you either love or you hate. And, I'm not going to lie: eggnog is one of those things that I can take or leave. I sometimes crave it come December but, usually, after one glass, I'm good for another year. And, usually, I don't go out and...

It's been about two months since I "finished" KonMari-ing my apartment. I put finished in quotes here because I'm technically not all the way through with my tidying. I still have a shelf full of photo albums and other mementos that I am getting through. Slowly. Those things, being the most sentimental of things, and of a pretty large category, will take a while still to sort. But those things are out of the way and not highly utilized. So. Whatever. But I still wanted to explore whether, two month later, I actually think the KonMari method works. I mean, I...

Growing up, we didn't have the internet. And so, Christmas shopping wasn't as easy as consulting a link to an Amazon wish list and pressing a one-click buy button. If you needed to go Christmas shopping (or, you know, shopping shopping) you had to get off your ass and go out into the cold and brave the overstuffed stores in the local mall. Online shopping just wasn't a thing that existed and making a Christmas list involved more than just clicking a little heart icon next to the product you wanted or creating a Pinterest board to send to your...

If you haven't noticed, I have kind of had a one-track mind lately. And by kind of I mean totally. And by one-track I mean cat. Cat mind. All I think about is cats. Cats cats cats. You might call me a crazy cat lady. You wouldn't be wrong. And what does a cat lady need besides a cat? Twenty cats. And what does a cat lady who probably needs twenty cats but can only have two cats according to her lease need? Cat stuff. All the cat stuff. I recently wrote a round up of awesome modern cat things for your cat but if...

I'm not going to lie: I was kind of hoping for a bombshell. What that bombshell might have been, exactly, I have no idea. Native American? East Asian? Ecuadorian? Who knows. But, spoiler alert, I'm European. 99.9% European. Are you as shocked as I am?   amzn_assoc_tracking_id = "choofigs-20"; amzn_assoc_ad_mode = "manual"; amzn_assoc_ad_type = "smart"; amzn_assoc_marketplace = "amazon"; amzn_assoc_region = "US"; amzn_assoc_design = "enhanced_links"; amzn_assoc_asins = "B01LZ5K87Z"; amzn_assoc_placement = "adunit"; amzn_assoc_linkid = "5124d401c53cedcd970f7a8496486653";   I'd wanted to take a DNA test for some time. Not like in a Maury Povich/Jeremy Kyle prove my paternity kind of way. Rather, in one of those spit in a cup and send it in the mail...