A year at home.
Twelve months ago I returned home, to Chicago, after three and a half years of traveling the world.
Twelve months ago I returned to my old job, the one I held before I quit to travel, and picked up right back where I was before I left.
Twelve months ago I returned, for first time in a long time, with a sense of permanence.
This past year flew by in a haze and I’m not sure where it all went. It’s no secret that I’ve been in a funk. I’ve barely blogged. I’ve come home most nights to watch TV in bed. I’ve been anti-social. I’ve hardly touched my gym membership. My apartment still has a few boxes that need to be unpacked. And I haven’t done any of the things that come with a permanent location that I wanted to do. Guitar lessons. Dance lessons. Dating.
Sometimes, often, it feels like I never traveled at all. It feels like those three and a half years of my life were all just a dream.
On the surface it’s been a fine year. But underneath, I’ve felt lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore.
I’ve lost that spark I had gained. I’ve lost my confidence. I’m lost.
I just returned from two weeks in Thailand, a much needed vacation, my first trip abroad in a year, and feel like I’m ready to pull myself out again.
Thailand reminded me how capable I am. Thailand reminded me how talented I am. Thailand reminded me of what my life could be. Of who I could be. Of who I am.
I could be, and was, the girl who could kiss a random guy without thinking of the consequences. The girl who could show no fear. The girl who could show up in a city and navigate without hesitation. The girl with confidence. The girl with purpose.
I once learned to be that girl. All of those girls. And somewhere I still have it. Somewhere.
I’ve lived the last year in a still coma. Not moving. Not reaching.
But I’m ready to break out. I’m ready to start living life again and going after those things I want.
In an attempt, I’ve cancelled Hulu and Netflix, my two biggest nemeses (though, there’s some surprisingly good bad reality shows on free Hulu… just sayin…).
In an attempt, I’ve started taking more actions to bring my blog(s) back to life.
In an attempt, I’m finally starting to tackle some of those to do list items I put off week after week.
I’m ready to take on the world again. I’m ready to feel whole again. One step at a time.
After I get over this jet lag.