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Scrambled pancakes.

Why I need a husband. Or a personal assistant. Or at least a dishwasher.

A while back I wrote about why I never want to live with someone ever again. I still do love living alone, having my own space, doing my own thing. But, I do hope to find someone and get married someday. And, sometimes, it would be nice to have someone else there. Someone to come home to. Someone to talk to. Someone to cuddle with. Someone to share life with. Someone to share responsibilities with. Someone to do the dishes. Someone to clean the toilet. Someone to fix things. Someone to do all that other crap I don’t want to do…

Sigh.

I always say I need a live-in boyfriend or a husband. But, maybe, what I really need is a personal assistant?

Though, I’d settle for a dishwasher at this point.

Anyways.

All I’m saying is it would be nice to have someone around the apartment who could do stuff for me.

I mean, if I had a husband…

 

I spent my Christmas vacation organizing my closets. All by myself. This was the before.

I spent my Christmas vacation organizing my closets. All by myself. This was the before.

The after. My closet is clean. No thanks to you.

The after. My closet is clean. No thanks to you.

He can do the dishes.

The thing that sucks most about living alone is that you have to do all the household chores yourself. I’m always the one who has to cook. I’m always the one who has to do the dishes. I’m always the one who has to scrub the bathtub and toilet. I’m always the one who has to Swiffer the floors.

I don’t get a break.

I would think if I had a husband he would share the responsibilities and do half of those things and all of a sudden I would have so much more free time in my life. Of course, sometimes I’ll mention this to a married friend and she’ll just laugh and tell me, “honey, my husband does shit around the house.” So, maybe I just need a maid?

I should get a maid.

I can’t afford a maid.

 

My fucked up wall is still fucked up.

My fucked up wall is still fucked up.

He can call Comcast… and my building manager.

True story: in college, way back when, in a time before GrubHub and phone apps, I used to make my boyfriend who lived across town call the pizza place to have food delivered to my apartment because I hated using the phone that much.

I still hate using the phone and so if I have to call to get something done, it doesn’t often get done.

And because of that I’ve been way overpaying for cable for the past year because I’m too scared to call Comcast to negotiate. And also because of that I let things go broken in my apartment for way too long.

One day, months ago, it was raining hard outside and water started pouring all down the wall of my living room. I did call on that right away because “raining in my apartment” trumps “Val’s fear of the phone” on the scale of things that are important. And my management company (eventually) fixed the roof and it’s stopped raining inside but my wall has been pretty fucked up and probably growing all sorts of mold ever since and no one came to fix it like they said and I have been pretty lax about calling and getting it done…

So, wouldn’t it be great if I had someone else living with me who could just deal with these things so I didn’t have to? Would could just deal with things so they’d actually get dealt with?

That would be so great.

 

My friend's husband comes over to take care of all my womanly desires. Like being cool in summer.

My friend’s husband comes over to take care of all my womanly desires. Like being cool in summer.

He can put my air conditioner in.

I was at dinner with two women and, when I mentioned that the lightbulb in my bedroom had burned out and that I was waiting for my male friend to come over to help change it, they gasped. “If I can’t do it myself it’s not getting done,” one of them declared.

And not to sound totally un-feminist but, sometimes, I have to admit that there are certain things some men can do that I can’t. Like, be tall.

If I was tall enough to reach my ceiling I would have changed that damned lightbulb myself. But I’m 5’5″ and my step ladder only has two steps, and the jump and twist and pray technique doesn’t seem so safe. So I called on a man who had the great skill of being taller than me.

I like to think that I’m a strong independent women. But there are things that even the strongest most independent women shouldn’t attempt to do by themselves. Things like, install an air conditioner. Because, let’s face it, if I tried to install an air conditioner myself I would probably throw out my back, drop the thing out the window, and kill someone enjoying an al fresco meal at the restaurant downstairs.

I can’t install an air conditioner myself.

Luckily, I can usually get my best friend’s husband to come over and do it for me. But he has an actual child with needs to take care of now so I try to limit what I make him do for me.

 

Scrambled pancakes.

This is what happens when I try to make pancakes.

He can make me pancakes and other food.

I love to cook, don’t get me wrong. But, sometimes, it would be nice to have someone to cook for me. It would also be nice to have someone to share food with so I don’t have to eat the same meal six times in a row when I want to make a pot of curry or a tray full of lasagna.

And then there are those meals that I just can’t make, no matter how to the T I follow the recipe or how many times I attempt to.

Like poached eggs.

And pancakes.

Granted, maybe I’ll fall in love with a guy who also can’t poach an egg or make pancakes or, God forbid, not cook at all.

Just kidding. Inability to make me pancakes is a total deal breaker.

Maybe I just need a personal chef? Or to just give up and order out?

Can you GrubHub a poached egg?

 

Awkward selfie of me writing this blog post.

Awkward selfie of me writing this blog post.

He can be my Instagram husband.

Not going to lie, I would really love to put up more cute photos of me looking cute drinking coffee or looking cute eating scrambled pancakes or looking cute sitting on my couch looking contemplative. But you need someone to take those photos. And, when you live alone, there’s no one to take them. So I usually just end up using awkward selfies that no one really wants to see.

If I had a live-in man he could totally be my Instagram husband and I could give him my camera and he could take all the photos of me doing all the things all the time and then I’m sure I’d get all the followers on my Instagram account.

And that would rock.

 

This is my bed. If I had a husband he could sleep in my bed and have sex with me.

This is my bed. If I had a husband he could sleep in my bed and have sex with me.

Unlimited access to sex.

OK, so unless I put an add out on certain areas of Craigslist I probably wouldn’t have unlimited access to sex with a personal assistant. And certainly not with a dishwasher because I’m not on some weird TLC reality show.

But, if I had a boyfriend or husband who lived with me he would probably share the same bed and probably want to have sex with me sometimes. Preferably often. And that’s a pretty good argument for living with someone right there.

Just sayin.

 

So, I guess, maybe, I’d be open to living with someone someday. Maybe. For now, though, I’ll just suck it up, call my building manager (again) (at some point) and eat my scrambled pancakes all alone in bed.

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6 Comments
  • Sid
    January 17, 2017 at 11:51 am

    We just started making pancakes from scratch. I still suck at it, but Sarah isn’t bad. As far as I can tell, the key is to not over mix the batter

  • Ali
    January 18, 2017 at 3:34 pm

    Andy and I both totally suck at doing things like cleaning so on the rare occasion when we decide it really must be done, we split it up and each do part of the cleaning. No way in hell I’m cleaning the whole place by myself every time. We actually split the cooking most of the time too. It is a nice perk of having a husband. But I think we still need to hire a cleaning service.
    Ali recently posted…How Much Money I Make Online: Income Report December 2016

  • Nisha M
    February 19, 2017 at 12:28 am

    Hi Val, I came across your blog as I searched for ‘things to do with your life’ online. I can relate to most everything, if not all, that you have written about. I am 38 and single living in Japan while I work here.

    The reason I wanted to message you was to see if we could possibly connect. My intention is to connect with like minded people with a sense of humour (and you sound like you have a good one) and get out of my comfort zone. I hope to hear from you. If not, I can still enjoy reading your blog.

    Take care and keeping making things happen in your life!

  • Mary Bowers
    February 19, 2017 at 11:45 am

    What if you find a partner who makes enough pancakes for both of you, wakes you with the scent of said pancakes cooking in the kitchen, only to find out that those pancakes are all his and you have to forage your own breakfast? I’m asking for a friend…

  • Ric
    May 4, 2017 at 6:35 pm

    Yes, for pancake making… and the why, because there are so many ways, add fruit, or not, add side dishes or not, add syrup real maple is always cool, or add a special jam too… with real butter.
    Ric recently posted…IMG_3019.jpg

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